


standing in front of heaven's door.

by softyjseo



Series: nct prompts and stories [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Adopting, Crying, Domestic, Friends to Lovers, Funerals, Gay, Happy Ending, How Do I Tag, Love, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Marriage, Mentioned Mark Lee (NCT), Mentioned NCT Dream Ensemble, Mentioned NCT Ensemble, Mentioned Park Jisung (NCT), NEO CULTURE TECHNOLOGY - Freeform, Reminiscing, SUPRISE ENDING, Sad Ending, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Sweet Mark Lee (NCT), Wedding Fluff, Weddings, alternative ending, cremations, i wrote this in four hours dont judge, im so sorry, kpop, mark is in love, nct - Freeform, no order, same goes for jaehyun x taeyong, trigger warning, we love gay kings, youngho x ten if u squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-27
Updated: 2018-06-27
Packaged: 2019-05-29 12:33:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15073241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softyjseo/pseuds/softyjseo
Summary: ‘’I’m sorry, Hyuckie. I couldn’t save you. I couldn’t protect you like I promised I would.’’in which mark and donghyuck are hopelessly in love, but sometimes life is a bitch.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hey hey hey
> 
> SO IF U WANT IT TO BE A SURPRISE I SUGGEST U MOVE ON TO READING PLS THANKS  
> there's a suicide attempt in here and major character death, fyi. 
> 
> the title is from Dalton Rapattoni's song Turn to Stone. it's beautiful and i had it on repeat while writing it. 
> 
> x d.

The room was silent, the two males seated on the couch, Mark engulfed in his script while Donghyuck lay on the couch, his head in Mark’s lap. The two didn’t talk, they let the silence lay on them like a blanket as they both focused on different things. Mark focused on memorizing his lines for his very first drama, while Donghyuck decided to catch up on some well-deserved rest.

This had become a custom to the couple, sharing every single piece of free time they got together. The dorm was silent, the other members using their day off to go out and enjoy the beautiful spring weather. When Jeno asked Donghyuck to join him, Jaemin, Yuta and Chenle to the movie theatre, the boy had said no. Mark and him needed to spend some time together.

After the two started dating about five months back, they hadn’t been able to spend a lot of time together, their new album promotions right around the corner. After promotions ended a week ago, everything calmed down a little bit, right until NCT U came back with another concept. Luckily, Donghyuck and Mark didn’t necessarily fit the theme, so they were left out.

Ten, Taeyong, Doyoung, Jaehyun, Lucas, Jungwoo and surprisingly Youngho and Kun were added to the mix, effectively leaving out the two youngest. It didn’t bother them, not at all. They needed some rest, and when Mark’s schedule got announced and a drama was added, even if it was just for a couple episodes, SM made the decision to let Mark focus on that, while Donghyuck prepared for his last comeback with NCT dream before his departure.

‘’babe?’’ Donghyuck turned his head to look at Mark, who stopped petting Donghyuck’s hair and lay down his script next to him on the couch, turning his full attention on Donghyuck. ‘’let’s go on a date tonight, okay?’’ Donghyuck smiled, nodding. Mark bent himself in an awkward angle to kiss Donghyuck on the lips and pulled away after a sweet peck, before turning back to his script.

They weren’t able to go on many dates. At first, they wanted to keep things a secret, even for the members. But, after Yuta found them kissing after practice, there wasn’t much of a secret to keep anymore. Yuta can’t keep a secret for his life. The two didn’t really mind as the members were supportive. But, after about a month, the promotions for NCT 127’s new mini album in full swing, an employee leaked their relationship to the outside world.

Donghyuck was distraught the moment he saw the magazines filled with speculations, Mark doing everything in his power to calm the younger down, and the entirety of NCT walked on eggshells for a few days before the rumours cleared up, their manager doing everything in his power to make things work.

What the group didn’t expect, was the immense amount of support the duo received. Fans came to fan meetings with couple gifts, and at their comeback show several banners were showing their support. It blew the couple away, and after SM and their manager agreed to it, the risk still a little high, the couple decided to make a statement and make their relationship public, and the entire band went as far as dedicating an entire music video to the two their love story to show their support.

And before Donghyuck and Mark knew it, they were the first idol couple out of the closet. It gained them international popularity, and they were both eternally grateful for the immense amount of support they received, even in Korea.

Mark sighed, he wasn’t able to concentrate with his beautiful boyfriend so close, radiating affection and warmth. He still wasn’t able to wrap his head around the fact that such an amazing human being wanted to be with someone like him, how a literal sunshine like Donghyuck could want someone like Mark, a dork inside and out.

=

Their first kiss was short and sweet, the two boys already aware of each other’s feelings for each-other.

It was winter, and the dorm was significantly chillier. The heater had stopped working a couple days before, and it wouldn’t be fixed until later on in the week. This resulted in everyone walking around in big sweaters and jackets, or visiting other dorms. The NCT dream dorm was smaller than the NCT 127 dorm or the dorm Jungwoo, Lucas, Kun and Ten shared, but it was warmer than the NCT 127 dorm, so the members gave up their personal space for warmth more than once, all eighteen members huddled together in the small living room.

It was a sight, really. Donghyuck and Mark were sharing a blanket, it wrapped around them safely and secure as they all watched a movie. The NCT 127 practice had ended early, their manager afraid they’d otherwise get snowed in. the NCT dream members had just returned from school and while they were getting changed, the older members turned on a movie.

Mark was the first one to make a move. He had put his arms around Donghyuck, effectively caging the younger in his arms. Donghyuck grew rigid at first, but relaxed into Mark’s touch fairly quickly. Mark raised the blanket a little, hiding them away from the rest of the members before shyly placing a kiss on Donghyuck’s lips.

Nerves had wrecked his entire body, but they all slowed down when Donghyuck started kissing back. It was short and sweet, and Mark never wanted it to end. They stopped quickly before others would notice, getting back in a regular position. As far as Mark knew, no one had seen them, all their gazes directed towards the television screen.

Mark never wanted to let go of Donghyuck.

=

‘’Mark-si? Donghyuck-ah?’’ Yuta yelled, and before Donghyuck could pull away from Mark, the older reluctant to let go, Yuta opened Mark and Youngho’s bedroom door. The duo shyly pulled away from each other, but Mark didn’t let go of Donghyuck’s hand as they watched Yuta’s face morph from emotion to emotion, his expressing ever changing.

‘’hey, hyung.’’ Mark said, his voice a little scruffy. He waved at Yuta, who proceeded to burst out in laughter. ‘’Taeyong-hyung!’’ the Japanese boy yelled, bolting down the hall. Mark his eyes had widened in shock as he ran after the older, but he was too late when he arrived in the living room, Yuta excitedly telling Taeyong about Mark and Donghyuck’s kiss.

‘’dammit, now I owe Ten a dinner.’’ Taeyong scoffed, turning to look at Mark. Mark stood there, his mouth agape. He was expecting a different reaction, but before he was able to say anything about it, Sicheng walked into the living room.

‘’wait what?’’ he asked, rubbing the sleep from his nap out of his eyes. ‘’Mark and Donghyuck are dating!’’ Yuta yelled, his loud voice booming through the dorm. Mark groaned, knowing that all the members present must have heard him, because he heard doors opening from all over the place.

It didn’t take long for Jaehyun, Youngho, Taeil and Doyoung to walk in, all looking frantic. It was clear that Doyoung had sprinted right out of bed, while Taeil was holding a towel over his hair. Youngho appeared with a ps4 controller in his hand and Jaehyun was still wearing his kitchen apron, but they all shared the same smile.

‘’I told you; no straight guy goes into his best friends room and comes back out with his hair all over the place.’’ Jaehyun pointed at Sicheng, emitting a giggle from behind Mark. They all turned to look at Donghyuck who emerged from Mark and Youngho’s room, and all Mark could do was smile. The boy looked absolutely adorable in one of Mark’s sweater, and Mark didn’t give a fuck whether or not it sounds cheesy, but a wave of adoration hit him like a truck.

‘’so, you guys are okay with it?’’ Mark asked, his voice close to a whisper. Youngho chuckled, shaking his head. ‘’of course we are, dude. As long as you guys are happy, we have squad to say about your relationship.’’ The other members nodded in agreement, and with that, the issue was dropped.

Mark smiled at his hyungs, and turned to kiss Donghyuck on the cheek. ‘’okay we do have boundaries in this house. No sex, or making out on the couch.’’ Taeyong said, his tone joking. Donghyuck laughed, which made Mark smile. He was so incredibly smitten with this boy.

A team meeting was held later that night, all the members huddled in the NCT 127 dorm as Mark and Donghyuck were the only ones standing. ‘’we have something to tell you guys.’’ Donghyuck started, and before Mark could go on like they had rehearsed a couple minutes before the members came in, Jungwoo shot up.

‘’you guys are dating!’’ he pointed his finger at Mark, and the entire room, except for the NCT 127 members, went crazy. Mark shushed them, and everyone was now looking at them, waiting for a confirmation.

‘’Jungwoo-hyung is right.’’ He then said, which sent the entire crew into a frenzy. ‘’Taeyong-hyung you owe me a dinner!’’ Ten proceeded to yell, and Taeyong sighed, ‘’I know!’’

‘’wait, you actually placed a bet?’’ Donghyuck asked, grabbing Mark’s hand. Mark squeezed a little, which made Donghyuck smile. ‘’you guys aren’t as slick as you may think.’’ Jaemin cheered, and Chenle nodded.

‘’do you really think we didn’t notice you sneaking into our dorm? I’m Donghyuck-hyung’s roommate, for Christ sake.’’ Jisung yelped, which earned him a slap on the back of his head from Taeyong, ‘’language.’’

‘’anyway, yes we did place bets.’’ Kun said, answering Donghyuck’s question from before. Donghyuck pulled a face, and Mark chuckled before pecking his cheek.

‘’ _bets_? As in plural?’’ Mark asked, looking around the room. The members were all seated either on the floor or the couch, and it took everything in Mark’s power not to grab his phone and take a picture. It was like a family picture, and Mark wanted to treasure this moment for the rest of his life.

‘’heck yeah. Taeyong-hyung and I had one, pretty sure Kun-hyung and Chenle-si had one going. Jungwoo-ah and Lucas-ah had one too, and that’s all as far as I know.’’ Ten said, and Mark gasped.

‘’actually, me and Jaehyun had one too.’’ Youngho raised his hand, his face mocking guilt. Donghyuck pouted, and the whole band laughed as they fell into bickering. Mark and Donghyuck just watched and listened, their hearts filled with love for their fellow members and friends.

=

Fast forward a couple years, and Mark and Donghyuck now share their own apartment together. NCT didn’t disband, they were just less active than before. No more non-stop comebacks, promotions after promotions and concert after concert. They only came back once a year, everyone growing older and other bands taking their place as legends.

The members still met up a lot, but everyone moved out of the dorms after their first contract of four years ended. Some members, like Donghyuck and Mark, made the decision to share an apartment, some moving in with their significant others or alone. It was sad to not see them all every single day, but they still had regular hang outs together and their group chat was still booming.

‘’babeeeee, my head hurts.’’ Donghyuck groaned, clutching his head in his hands. Mark sighed, dropping his script on their leather couch. He made his way over to Donghyuck, kicking the laundry basket Donghyuck dropped to clutch his head out of the way. Mark wrapped his arms around Donghyuck tightly, and sighed.

‘’have you taken your migraine medicine yet?’’ Donghyuck shook his head, and Mark sighed. ‘’you should take them then, maybe they’ll help.’’ Donghyuck nodded, kissing Mark on the cheek before walking towards the bathroom to take his medicine.

Donghyuck’s migraine started happening right before the New Year’s, it being February now. The doctor prescribed Donghyuck some medicine, and they helped, luckily.

Mark walked back to the couch, grabbing his script before returning to memorizing his lines. After his first drama aired, he received more and more roles and now that the band was less active, he was able to pursue them. So far, he had acted in six drama’s and three movies, and Mark loved every second of it.

‘’after you put the clothes in the washing machine it’s time to get ready, babe.’’ Mark said, turning his head to look at Donghyuck who patted across the hall. ‘’yeah yeah I will. Do you want me to go chic or casual chic?’’ he asked, and Mark chuckled as Donghyuck grinned.

‘’is there a difference?’’

‘’well, I mean, I could dress myself in a three piece suit or I could throw on some slacks and a button up.’’ Donghyuck said, walking into the laundry room.

‘’something in the middle of that is fine.’’

Their apartment wasn’t the biggest, but it was just enough for the two of them. They didn’t need a big apartment, luxury or any of that other crap. None of the members did, actually. Most of them were living in small or medium sized apartments, some even in the same building as Mark and Donghyuck were.

Ten, Kun, Lucas, Chenle, Sicheng, Yuta and Renjun all bought an apartment in their respective hometowns, as well as in Seoul, now finally able to visit their family more often. Youngho just flew back and forth and Mark did the same. His home was now in Seoul, and he’d visit his family every once in a while when they had the time and money to fly across the ocean.

Donghyuck loved Canada, he told Mark the first time they visited his family together. The younger boy loved the snow in the winter, the kind people and he loved learning about Mark’s childhood. Mark was more than happy to show Donghyuck how he grew up, and his parents loved the younger boy almost as much as Mark did.

Mark deemed that impossible, but his mother told him otherwise.

‘’alright, I’ll go shower first.’’ Donghyuck passed Mark, whom was stood in the doorway of the laundry room. Mark stopped him, kissing him before letting go. Donghyuck giggled, and strutted off. As soon as Mark could hear the water running, he rushed to their bedroom.

He opened the closet, quickly moving aside some of their clothes before sighing. He picked up the small box, and almost immediately nerves started wrecking his body. He felt twice as nervous as he had felt right before their first kiss, and Mark hated it.

Gay marriage was legalized in South-Korea in 2020, a year after the duo started dating. The older generation lost against the younger generation, and the LGBTQ+ community gained support through idols coming out as different sexualities. After Shinee’s Kim Ki-bum came out as gay, even older generations started accepting it and before everyone knew it, being gay wasn’t such a weird thing anymore in Korea.

Mark knew Donghyuck was going to say yes, he knew. The boy loved him as much as Mark loved him, and it made the older of the two beam in their bedroom. He quickly put on a button up and some slacks, throwing a dress jacket on. Mark scanned himself in the mirror, his face maturing a little bit at just twenty-six years old, and he smiled.

Growing up wasn’t a bad thing, now that he had Donghyuck at his side.

 

The restaurant was busy, multiple workers walking around to make sure their guests were having a good time. The couple sat at a window table, their eyes fixated on the menu as they made small talk. ‘’I think the paparazzi found us.’’ Donghyuck giggled as he saw a flash of a camera, and Mark chuckled nervously.

Mark himself had anonymously hinted some magazines about their whereabouts, wanting to make sure that his proposal was documented properly. Of course, he had hired a photographer, Youngho to be exact, who was seated in the other room with Ten, their rooms separated by a simple black curtain.

They had a time schedule, and Mark planned on popping the question as soon as he saw Youngho walk in. Every time the curtain moved, Mark his hand subtly shot to his front pocket, feeling the small box heavy in his hand.

‘’is everything okay?’’ Donghyuck asked, putting down his glass of white wine he was sipping on. Mark nodded, flashing Donghyuck a smile. ‘’I’m fine, don’t worry honey.’’ Donghyuck frowned, but dropped it as soon as the waitress arrived at their table.

After ordering, Mark took a sip from his water, his glass of wine abandoned, and almost dropped it as he saw Youngho and Ten emerge from the other room. _this was it._ Mark turned his head to look at Donghyuck, who was silently looking at the outside view.

‘’Hyuck?’’ Mark’s voice was shaky, and he willed his nerves down just enough. Donghyuck turned to look at him, and smiled his beautiful smile, and gone were Mark’s nerves.

The older boy stood up, and Donghyuck gasped. Before he could say anything though, Mark got on one knee. A view guests turned to look at what was happening as camera’s started flashing, but Mark channelled all of it out as he focused on Donghyuck, who had tears streaming down his face.

‘’Dear Hyuck. Where do I even begin? Ah yes, I love you. I love you so damn much. I love the way you smile, the way you laugh, the way your eyes twinkle when you look at me. I love how excited you get whenever you get to sing, and I love your voice. I fell in love with you the first time I saw you, all those years ago. We clicked immediately and my life couldn’t get better when we debuted together. We spent so much time together and after a while I was pretty sure you liked me the way I liked you back then, and I was right. We went through some hardships, a lot of worry, but we had each other and that was all that mattered. I love you so much, Donghyuck, and I always will. Please make me the happiest man on the planet, and marry me?’’ Donghyuck’s mouth was wide open as tears streamed down his face, a hand covering his mouth before he rapidly nodded.

Mark sighed in relief, before getting up. He pulled Donghyuck out of his chair and kissed him, short and sweet, much like their first kiss, before pulling away. The entire restaurant awe’d and Mark blushed, the attention getting a bit too much. He grabbed the ring box from where he had put it down on their table, and smiled at Donghyuck. He slipped the ring onto the right finger, and Donghyuck sighed.

‘’I love you too, idiot.’’

=

It was chaos. Workers were running around, applying the finishing touches to the decorations. Mark was standing at the make shift altar, a wedding arch adorned by white silky curtains, Taeyong on one side and Youngho on the other. People were slowly arriving, and Mark’s mother greeted her son by walking up to him and giving him a quick peck. Mark’s father hugged him, and they both left to sit themselves down in their seats.

Donghyuck’s mother walked up to Mark a couple minutes after, wishing him good luck before also taking her seat.

Mark sighed, turning his gaze towards Taeyong, who just smiled at him. ‘’everything will be fine, Markie.’’ The older said, and Mark nodded, his nerves still making his legs shake. During the planning of the wedding, which started over a year ago, Youngho and Taeyong had been a great help. During their latest comeback performance, Mark asked the duo to be his best man, and they agreed without a doubt in their mind.

Donghyuck had asked Jeno and Jaemin, and the other members were attending as guests. At first, they didn’t want a big wedding. Just their bandmates, friends and family. After realizing that partners were also added to the mix, the wedding became a bit bigger than expected.

As the last guests walked into the hall, people turned to look at Mark. The male was visibly shaking and he hated it. Just a few weeks ago he was standing on stage, receiving an award for his acting in front of thousands of people, and yet, here he was, a shaking mess in front of only about a hundred people.

A warm hand was placed on Mark’s shoulder, and he turned his gaze to see Youngho smiling down at him, ‘’I think he’s coming soon.’’ Youngho pointed at his watch, the time displaying as two thirty, and Mark gulped. He can do this. He can do this.

Youngho was proven to be right, and just this once Mark will admit that he was thankful for that, because the doors opened not even a minute later. Jeno and Jaemin walked out first, Donghyuck’s twin sister then walking out with her daughter and husband behind them. Mark smiled as his niece in law waddled across the floor, managing to throw some rose petals on the floor out of her small basket.

It warmed Mark’s heart.

The tunes of the wedding march filled the room not shortly after that, and Mark’s gaze was moved from the small girl to his fiancé. Mark gasped, and a small tear slipped out of his eye as he watched Donghyuck walk down the aisle with his father, a blinding smile on his face.

The couple had decided on matching suits, both black and a blue tie. Donghyuck had a red rose tucked into his breast pocket while Mark’s was filled with a handkerchief he had received as a gift from Youngho with his and Donghyuck’s initials on it.

The boy looked absolutely stunning, his dark brown hair perfectly styled and his eyes sparkling. It took everything in Mark’s will power to not run and hug the living hell out of Donghyuck. It’s as if time stops when Donghyuck looks at me, and in that moment, Mark realizes something he has known for the pas ten years.

_Donghyuck is his entire world._

=

 

‘’I loved you through the pain, I loved you through the tears. I loved you through the memories we shared. I loved you through the sleepless nights, the practices, the fights. I loved you through our bickering and I loved you through all of your pranks. I loved you when we were apart and I showed you my love whenever we were together. Donghyuck, you made me a better person. You let me grow into the person I am today, and I am eternally grateful for that,’’ Mark lets out a sob, the room around him heavy.

‘’I remember the first time you told me you were in pain. We didn’t think much of it, but after two years you told me it became too much. I loved you through your diagnosis, I loved you through the hospital visits and the painful nights. You loved me through my tears and I loved you through yours. I was willing, and still am, to share my entire life with you. I married you with the thought of spending my entire life with you. I promised I would protect you and I  I hate the fact that our precious time got cut short, and I will not stop wondering until I die why it had to be you. You were the literal human incarnate of the sun and everyone loved you. No one could love you as much as I did, and still do,’’ the tears make it hard to see the piece of paper. It’s slowly soaking in tears, and Mark raises his head to look at his and Donghyuck’s friends and family, and he sighs, his breath shaky.

‘’I am going to miss you. I’m going to miss you when I’m alone, when I’m with people. I’m going to miss you when you’re not in bed next to me. I’m going to miss your kisses, your hugs and your smiles. I am going to miss the way you looked at me when I came home from a long day and I am going to miss your presence like no other. I hope that if you’re able to hear me, you will wait for me. I hope you’re up there, laughing down at me. Or maybe you’re crying, like we all are. Imagine me standing next to at Heaven’s door. I’ll be by your side forever, please don’t forget that. I will never forget about you, Donghyuckie. I will always remember you as my other half, my soulmate, my everything and most of all my best friend. I love you.’’

Mark steps down from the speaking platform, his legs wobbling with every step as he walks towards the coffin. He stands there, scanning Donghyuck’s body, empty and grey, and Mark suddenly wants to scream and cry and yell.

He’s mad. He’s sad, and he knows these feelings will stay until he himself passes on.

‘’I’m sorry, Hyuckie. I couldn’t save you. I couldn’t protect you like I promised I would.’’ Mark lets out another sigh, and grabs Donghyuck’s hand for the last time. It’s cold, and it sends a shiver through Mark’s body. He bents down and kisses it, the eyes of the guests attending on him as he nods at Donghyuck’s father, who’s cheeks are stained with cheeks and his eyes puffy, to close the casket.

With a loud thumb, Donghyuck leaves Mark behind.

=

The first time Mark walks into their apartment alone is three days after the cremation.

After the cremation, Johnny offered to let Mark crash with him for a while. The younger appreciated this, and took the chance. He had spent his days crying in Johnny and Ten’s guest room, and the duo tried to help Mark and keep him healthy as best as they could.

Mark felt incredibly guilty and left after three days. He needed to go back home. And now, when he drops his jacket in the middle of the living room, the apartment still smelling an _awful_ amount like Donghyuck and the only light coming in the light from the big windows, Mark lets out a sob.

He starts screaming, and yelling. He kicks his jacket across the floor, and Mark lets out another scream. He runs towards the bedroom, tears falling to the floor as his intoxicated mind is unable to make rational decisions.

Mark throws the closet doors open and starts throwing Donghyuck’s clothes to the floor, creating a pile of clothes on the floor. Mark turns around and starts trashing the room. He throws the pillows across the room, shatters the paintings and punches a hole in the wall.

With a bleeding right hand, he rushes towards the kitchen. He yanks the cupboards open and grabs some mugs, crashing them to the floor. Mark throws the plates to the floor, the utensils, everything that can ease the pain even if it is just for a split second.

In this exact manner, Mark’s rage makes its way through the apartment. After about an hour, the entire apartment is a mess and Mark is pretty sure he’ll start crying blood anytime soon, his tears not stopping.

Mark lets out a last rippled scream before dropping himself in the pile of Donghyuck’s clothes. He lets the smell overwhelm him, and the thought of never holding Donghyuck again and smelling his smell as he tucks his head in the crook of Donghyuck’s neck makes another sob leave his mouth.

Mark closes his eyes, feeling exhausted, devastated and angry as he lets the darkness take over his body.

=

Jaemin and Jeno find Mark in the same exact position three days later. The man is still laying in the pile of clothes, not having moved yet since the day he arrived. His face is narrow and his skin is dry, and Jaemin and Jeno immediately call an ambulance for him.

Two hours later, Mark wakes up in a hospital bed. He opens his eyes, only to close them again because of the lighting. ‘’I don’t know what you were thinking, but this isn’t the way to handle it, man.’’ Youngho’s voice was the first one to be heard, and Mark sighs.

He knows. He knows that this isn’t the way to get over Donghyuck’s death. He knows Donghyuck wouldn’t want this for Mark, but right now, Mark couldn’t give less of a fuck. He’s miserable, and all he wants is Donghyuck back in his arms and holding him close.

But he can’t, and Mark is unable to accept that just yet. Or ever, for that matter.

‘’we know this hurts, we understand. We’re hurting too, but you can’t do this to yourself.’’ Mark recognizes the voice to be Jungwoo’s, and he groans. He knows they’re right. He opens his eyes, and is met with the entirety of NCT standing or sitting in his hospital room, all of them equipped with the same worried look on their faces.

‘’thanks guys, but you have absolutely no idea what I’m going through.’’ The last part of his sentence comes out snappier than he intended it to be, and Mark sighs as Taeyong walks up to him.

‘’you’re right. We have no idea. Try to make us understand, Mark. You don’t have to carry the burden yourself. We’re here for you.’’ Taeyong says, and Mark closes his eyes after seeing the entire group nod in agreement.

‘’look guys. I appreciate it. I really do. But the only person I want to be _here_ for me is Donghyuck. And that’s not possible anymore, because he is _dead._ ’’

It’s the first time Mark says it like that, so incredibly straightforward and _real_ , and that’s when it truly hits him. His Donghyuck is gone, and there’s nothing he can do about it. Tears start to fall again, and before Mark knows it, he’s sobbing again. Louds sobs rock through his body, tears streaming down his face as he watches Donghyuck fade away in his mind.

And that’s when he makes the decision. He’d rather be dead instead of living without Donghyuck.

=

Mark was discharged from the hospital three days later, after the doctors and nurses were sure he was fully stable. There was no paparazzi at the hospital, but word did get out after Mark’s meltdown. According to Johnny some fans were holding a memorial service at the SM building in two days, and it warmed Mark’s heart for a second.

Of course he knew he wasn’t the only person who lost someone. Donghyuck’s family lost a son and a brother. Their fans lost a role model, his bandmates a friend. The world lost a ray of sunshine, and Mark couldn’t accept it.

Mark was pressured into moving in with Taeyong and Jaehyun for the time being, until he was back on his feet. He tried to tell Taeyong and Jaehyun that that may never happen, but the older duo refused to acknowledge his protests. He moved into their guest room and didn’t come out for the first few days, rouletting between the bed and the shower in the adjoined bathroom.

It took him three weeks to leave the bedroom to join Jaehyun and Taeyong for breakfast. He hadn’t had fresh air for weeks and his body was fragile, but everything reminded Mark of Donghyuck.

Donghyuck. Donghyuck. Donghyuck. _Donghyuck._

No matter how much Taeyong and Jaehyun tried, they couldn’t help Mark. Their pep talks in the morning didn’t help, the breakfast dates in their kitchen didn’t help and their attempts to get Mark outside didn’t help either.

Mark quit his job as an actor three days after moving in. He completely fell of the face of the earth, and it was the way Mark liked it.

This way, when he actually pulls through, the world won’t be missing him as much.

The other members occasionally came to babysit Mark. Everyone was afraid to leave him alone, so whenever both Taeyong and Jaehyun had to leave the house, they called someone up to their apartment just to watch Mark.

Mark didn’t like it. He could fend for himself, thank you very much.

But, eventually the true horror came. NCT was having a comeback, which left no one to babysit Mark. SM entertainment wanted to do one last come back before the band was going to disband, something they all had discussed when Donghyuck was still _alive_ but barely breathing, and they had a concept ready for all the remaining members.

Mark didn’t want to join and everyone understood.

But, today was their first stage and that meant that there was no one left to babysit Mark.

‘’I will call our manager, a security guard, the valet parking from downstairs I don’t care! I don’t want him to be alone.’’ Taeyong yells, Mark flinching as he shuffles into the living room, a blanket around his shoulders. He probably looks like death, but he couldn’t care less.

‘’I can stay home alone, y’know.’’

‘’sure you can. I just don’t want to see another one of my best friends lying in a casket.’’ Jaehyun says, his voice calm and kind as he searches Mark’s face for any tears. Mark gulps at the mention of a casket, the cold feeling of Donghyuck’s hand on his lips returning, before shaking his head.

‘’I’ll be fine.’’ He says, and although this doesn’t seem to convince Taeyong nor Jaehyun, the duo still leaves when they’re almost late.

Mark sighs after he hears the front door close, and he drops himself on the couch. This is the first time in ages where he’s truly and utterly alone and the silence lays heavy on his chest.

Mark hadn’t been alone since Donghyuck’s diagnosis. The younger got diagnosed with an aggressive brain tumour and it was deemed untreatable, shaking Donghyuck and Mark to the core. He was always with Donghyuck, not leaving his husbands side for longer than a short shower. Even after the boy got discharged from the hospital to spend his last days with his family and friends, Mark didn’t leave his side. They were together, until the very end.

Donghyuck took his last breath in Mark’s arms, and the images wouldn’t leave Mark’s mind for even a second since then.

After Donghyuck passed away, Mark was always surrounded by people. Whether it was Donghyuck’s family, his bandmates or his own family, he was never alone. And after collapsing in his own house three days after the funeral, he was constantly surrounded by his bandmates.

And it was safe to say that Mark had enough.

He had enough of the crying, the whining, hurting his friends, hurting his family and he had enough of missing Donghyuck. He wants to hold the boy again and no one knows what happens after they die but Mark sure as hell hopes he would be able to see Donghyuck again.

That thought alone made him jump to action. Mark rushes towards the bathroom, trying his best to not make a mess for his friends for when they come home. He knows this isn’t the best way to go, and he knows he will hurt a shit ton of people with what he’s about to do, but he can’t live like this any longer.

The thought of seeing Donghyuck again makes Mark sob hard, and walks back towards the living room with a determined look on his face, the bottle of sleeping pills clutched in his fist. He looks for a piece of paper and a pen, and sits down at the dining table.

_Dear everyone,_

_I realize that with what I’ve done, I’ve hurt you all. I am sorry you have to witness two funerals of your best friends this close to each other, but I can no longer take it. I miss Donghyuck too much. He was my other half, and as much as I refused to believe it in the beginning, he kept me alive and breathing. It was always Donghyuck, Donghyuck, Donghyuck._

_You guys can make it. Be happy, get married, have kids. Show the world what you’ve got. Show the world that we’re NCT and that we went down with a fight. Show the world that we were the best friends we always said we were in interviews. Please don’t make them forget us._

_I remember our first day as SM Rookies. I remember our first day as NCT and I will never forget the day when they announced that NCT 2018 was going to be the only NCT. We were family, and you guys still are. I love you guys so much and if Donghyuck was still here by my side, we would’ve been able to show the world for years to come what we are made of, but sadly, that isn’t reality._

_I love you guys. Please don’t forget me._

_Hugs, kisses and lots of love,_

_Mark Lee._

_p.s. If I see any of you up there before you turn seventy, I will personally throw you back down to earth. You guys all deserve to live and prosper._

Tears covered the page, and before it becomes unreadable Mark stands up. He presses a kiss on the paper and sighs, turning around and walking towards his bedroom. He closes the door and looks around, trying to find the best spot.

He sits down on the bed and gulps down the sleeping pills. He sits there for a second, reading the label before his vision becomes blurry. Mark lays down, his body still having enough power to grab the duvet and pull it over himself, before he shuts off.

Donghyuck, here Mark comes.


	2. standing in front of heaven's door (alternative ending)

Mark wakes up, gasping for air. His cheeks are stained and his hands are shaking as he whips his head around. He’s met with an empty bed, and for a second Mark wants to scream. Was it a nightmare? Or was it reality and did it not work?

Mark looks around the room, recognizing it to be his own. The dresser is gone, clothes sprawled across the floor and Mark yelps, the scene awfully familiar. He bolts out of his bed, rushing towards the door and yanking it open. Mark runs into the living room and is met with an empty room, and he’s close to screaming and sobbing when he hears a key unlock the door.

Mark turns his head, and a warmth fills his body as he hears the familiar footsteps enter the apartment. Mark doesn’t even _think_ before he starts running, and launches himself into Donghyuck’s arms.

‘’woah, good morning to you too, babe.’’ In a state of complete and utter delusion, Mark lets out a sob. ‘’you’re alive.’’ He says, and Donghyuck chuckles.

‘’of course I am, dummy. I went to get breakfast.’’ Donghyuck smiles his infamous smile and Mark wants to scream in happiness. His Donghyuck is not dead, his Donghyuck is alive and breathing and smiling and he’s holding a bag of breakfast foods in his hand and he’s breathing and Mark can’t help but cry.

‘’what’s wrong, Mark?’’ Donghyuck slowly pulls away and is met with Mark’s eyes filled with tears and his cheeks already stained. ‘’I had a terrible nightmare.’’ Mark says, shaking his head as he still tries to phantom the fact that yes, Donghyuck is very much alive and breathing and standing right in front of him.

‘’oh no. what was it about?’’ Donghyuck asks, grabbing his husbands hand, twisting around their wedding ring with a worried look on his face.

‘’you died. You were diagnosed with an aggressive brain tumour right after we got married a-and y-you died and I cou-couldn’t handle it and I trashed the apartment after your cremation. I starved myself and Jaemin and Jeno found me huddled in a pile of your clothes and took me to the hospital. After I got discharged I was forced to live with Taeyong-hyung and Jaehyun-hyung and when NCT’s last comeback happened I killed myself to be with you.’’ Mark stands there in his pyjama, and Donghyuck listens to his husband cry and ramble.

When the boy is done, Donghyuck wraps his arms around Mark and sighs. ‘’I’m alive. I’m breathing and I’m not going anywhere.’’ He says, and Mark sighs happily.

‘’the boxes everywhere freaked me out for a second. I thought I had woken up in our apartment while people were moving out all of your stuff.’’ Donghyuck giggles at that and smiles at Mark.

‘’we’re moving, remember?’’ and that’s when it hits Mark. After their wedding had passed, they went on their honeymoon to Australia. They met a Korean boy, Sungmin, there who was an orphan. They decided to adopt him and move to a bigger apartment to be able to house him.

Mark sighs as his delusional state slowly ebbs away, and he smiles.

‘’fuck. I can’t believe you’re alive.’’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you hate me a little less now. i live for the idea of donghyuck and mark adopting a kid so. 
> 
> x d.

**Author's Note:**

> IM SO SORRY
> 
> BEFORE YOU YELL AT ME,  
> THERE IS AN ALTERNATIVE ENDING IN THE NEXT CHAPTER.  
> i didnt want to be that much of a dick so there is an alternative ending. dont hurt me.  
> i hope you enjoyed though! i almost cried while writing this so. 
> 
> x d.  
> [My Twitter](https://twitter.com/softyjseo)


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